This is my last night in Home State and that’s probably a good thing.
My laptop crashed today – so, no, I will not be submitting that conference proposal – not that I get much done while I’m here anyway. Even at the best of times, my mind can’t focus on academic matters while I’m here. Without a laptop, though, I can’t even attempt to get anything done, my phone not being my weapon of choice when it comes to data analysis or paper revision.
I’ve spent time with the folks. I’ve spent time with the two friends I always see here. I’ve spent time with my favorite aunt. I’ve spent time with my nieces and nephew. Now I need to spend some time getting my life together.
And being here is not conducive to that. I wish coming “home” felt like an actual return to a place I belonged. I so do not fit in here – I would say “anymore” but I think it’s fair to say I never did. I could have, perhaps, if I had gone to the local university that half my graduating class did and married my high school boyfriend (that’s probably a big perhaps). Neither of those things happened, though, and my choices from that point on only led me farther and further away.
So, I come home, I stay for a week or so and I dash back to my life elsewhere, such as it is. And I carry the guilt of my inability to connect with my family with me wherever I go.