I don’t need to worry about the men in my life messing up anything; I can do that just fine on my own, thanks. What is wrong with me?
Part of my funk yesterday was me thinking much too much about things that don’t need thinking about. Which is what I do. Which is what I should not do. I’m not even sure I can make sense of the convolutions in my brain yesterday and a good bit of today but it goes something like this:
I don’t mind being alone when I’m in charge of being alone. Last semester was pretty good, actually, in my single state. I made an effort to get myself into a much better place after SG and I split, and it worked: I got there. I was doing things I enjoyed doing; I was going out with my friends; I was focused on myself. Meeting TB again after all these years was an extension of that. When I pushed him to tell me why he had reconnected with me, it was because I deserved an answer; when I kissed him, it was because I wanted to do just that. The first crack happened once I got back to PRU. I wanted to see TB again, I did and suddenly I didn’t enjoy my single state as much as I had.
Then Christmas came and I met TA. When I kissed him, it was because I wanted to; when we kept talking once I returned to PRU, I wanted to do that, too. Flying back to Home State for our weekend was purely by choice, and I loved it. The next crack occurred at the end of our weekend, though. Once I got back to CF’s house, I could admit to her what I really didn’t want to admit to myself: I could see myself in a relationship with this guy. I managed to tamp that down, come back here and get into the swing of the semester. I wasn’t as content as I had been but I was doing okay. I found a good place with TB; I had good conversations with TA; I was focusing on the here and now.
Only I wasn’t, as much as I wanted to. My mind just doesn’t work that way, dammit. I want to be someone who lives in the moment, and I can do it for short stretches of time, but then my natural self reasserts itself and messes everything up. I can’t help but look at the months, the years, in front of me. It’s not that I’m a planner so much as that I want to have some sense of where I’m going; what happens along the way, what happens once I get there, wherever there is, that can all be a surprise, but I need to see the path in front of me.
The path I was seeing this weekend wasn’t a good one. I like TA, we’re compatible in so many ways, we have fun. I can see that he’s a good man, the kind of man you can build a life with. I can see wanting a relationship with him AND I DON’T WANT THAT. I don’t want a long-distance relationship; I don’t want to miss someone at the end of the day; I don’t want to feel alone as I go about my life here. Both sides of that coin are so ridiculous: we barely know each other, he hasn’t asked anything of me, and he is perfectly fine with the way things are going right now. And I should be! What’s not to like?
It’s like I try to ruin my own life. I mean, seriously. What the f* is wrong with me? I don’t want to settle down with anyone right now. I would be perfectly open to going out with people here, if such men were to present themselves. TB and I are doing fine; we’re planning to get together next weekend, as a matter of fact, and we have a date next month because we’re going to a concert. Frankly, I can see us managing to see each once a month until we just naturally drift off in opposite directions. All in all, I’d say that’s a pretty good conclusion to that long story of missed opportunity and crossed signals.
TA and I were doing fine, too. We’re on that same monthly schedule right now. I’m going to Home State at the end of this month; he’s planning to visit next month; and I’ll be in Home State again in April for a weekend with my college girlfriends that I can extend to spend some time with him. Then we’re into summer and schedules are completely open. We communicate every day, and it’s an enjoyable part of my day; I look forward to talking to him, whatever we have to say to each other.
But here I am, creating issues where none exist. I was in a pure funk last night when we talked; there was just too much going on in my head. Even I could hear the flat affect in my voice, try as I might to cover it. He’s not an idiot and clearly knew all was not well; all I could say was that I was working through some things. So tonight, we talked and, once again, I had to go the honesty route and tell him that I was struggling with the idea of a long-distance relationship when they had gone so horribly wrong for me in the past.
Now here is a bit of an interesting piece to the puzzle. He was quick to reassure me that we’re not in a relationship, that he is happy to have me in his life in whatever capacity I’m willing to offer, that if I decide that this is all over he will be grateful for the opportunity to have spent time with me. He’s mentioned more than once that I’ve given him hope that there are indeed cool, sexy, intelligent, funny women over 40 out there, and he thanked me again for that tonight. So, he’s really good at this casual thing; obviously, I’m not.
Because here’s me, having a freak-out because I’m afraid I’m going to get serious about the guy, and here’s TA, having no such freak-out because he’s content with whatever happens. He means it but I’m not sure I quite believe his nonchalance – oh, he’d be fine if we went our separate ways, we’re all adults here – because I also hear what he says and read what he writes. His text today, for example: “I want to see you again. I want to talk to you again. In person. Everything else is secondary.” Okay, really, this does not sound like a guy who would be happy to wander off into the sunset.
I just want to bang my head on the desk right now. I want him to want me as much as I don’t. I want to be involved with him as much as I don’t. Regardless of all that, though, here I am and there he is, and that isn’t going to change for years. Years. And that shouldn’t even be a consideration!
Here’s how we left it: He said I should call him once I’d had some time to think, whether it was a day or a week. He hopes I don’t want to walk away but he understands if I do. And I don’t know what I want. I want to erase my histrionics. I want to hit the rewind button. I want to stop sabotaging myself when I actually have the opportunity to just enjoy my life. None of those things are really possibilities, however, thanks to my craziness.
I’m going to bed. And I’m going to hope that a decent night’s sleep will provide some clarity on what I do next.