Alas, I’m home alone tonight. The Boy was radio silent yesterday, which I’ve learned means he doesn’t want to break bad news. Indeed. He’s not feeling well, so he thought it best to stay in this weekend, catch up on sleep and try to head off impending illness.
That’s probably true. I have no way of knowing, of course, and while I don’t think he would necessarily lie to me, I also don’t have complete faith that he didn’t change his mind. He’s always been a complicated mix of interested and distanced, and I can’t help but wonder if the status quo is returning.
Which is a shame, because this was fun. He was a nice distraction, something to look forward to, someone to laugh with at the end of the day. I had hoped it would last a bit. I have a feeling – and that’s all it is, but my gut is usually pretty good – that the cold feet have arrived and I won’t see him again in any sort of “together” capacity.
Here’s the thing: I don’t doubt that he likes me, in that he enjoys my company (in every sense of the word). But he doesn’t quite know what to make of this – it isn’t really a relationship, per se – and he’s still a little in thrall to the former professor, a.k.a mentor, view of me. If we were close, maybe it would be easier to get over those things but the distance makes it hard to just be casual. One of us has to travel and that means there’s more thinking involved in the whole. And let’s face it, thinking just leads to overthinking – and here we find ourselves.
Ah, well. I won’t object if he decides he’d like to see me again but I think I need to gather myself, laugh at the silliness of it all and get back to normal life.
So, normal: I had some meetings on campus this morning but I was back home by the early afternoon. Without a visitor this evening, I had plenty of time to work so I took care of some emails and offered feedback on a colleague’s paper. I also finished reading the last set of papers, figured up my grades for both classes and submitted them. Semester is officially over!
I do have to brag about my students this semester. They were wonderful, as their final papers proved over and over again: thoughtful, critical, intelligent, humorous. I actually enjoyed reading their work and seeing just how much they’ve developed over the semester. Their grades were off the charts: nothing lower than a B – and, trust me, with what I threw at them this semester, that is quite a feat. I just had fun with them this fall; I really enjoyed interacting with them in the classroom, even as I was pushing them to do more than they thought they could. A professor can only wish to have the students I had this semester. I feel a little sorry for the kids having to follow them next semester!
I still need to do some Christmas cards. I’ll do some for the family and very close friends, but I think I’m done after that. I’m thinking maybe a New Year’s card is the way to go this year. I just don’t have it in me to get through 40+ cards this weekend…