Not surprisingly, I’ve been dropping into therapy over the last few months (prior to SG, I would add). While that’s serendipitous on the relationship stuff, it started because of the depression stuff. I’m not focused on anything specific, we just take things as we get to them.
Lately, the focus has been how to get beyond the blah-ness of my attitude toward life. As I explained today, when I look at my life, I see a wide, featureless road leading to absolutely nothing. Let me hasten to add that my outlook wasn’t much better before SG left but I had company on that road so it seemed bearable while I figured out how to change directions. With the end of the relationship, everything just flattened out – nothing horrible, nothing wonderful, just ongoing blah.
That is not the way I want to live my life.
So that means figuring out how to make changes. I can’t change everything, obviously, so it also means figuring out what I can change to make myself happy with the life I have – because that’s pretty much all I’ve got here: this life with myself.
I don’t want to be a caricature: the aging single female professor using her students as substitutes for the children she didn’t have and coming home to her solitary existence of simple meals and hundreds of books. None of those things are wrong, in and of themselves, because they’re true for me now. it’s just that when I look at my future life, I can’t help but see how I could so easily calcify into someone I don’t want to be in a life I don’t want to live.
Somehow I have to get out of myself. I have to change things – little things, big things – or I’m going to retreat into a life that allows me to exist rather than live.